Monday, September 5, 2011

Pure Devastation

This begins a series of posts that are for me personally to help me through the grief process but also in hopes of ministering to other women who may experience this heartache.






Keep in mind that our last appointment included seeing our precious baby at 6 weeks with a healthy fast heartbeat. At the end of that appointment, we visited with Dr. Adcock in his office to discuss how well things looked. He noticed a hematoma behind where the placenta was attaching but reassured us that this was common. The tears began to pile in my eyes thinking & worrying about the end of this pregnancy as I remembered the premature labor & bedrest with Stryker. Dr. Adcock calmed my fears & prayed for this pregnancy. I left knowing that God had given us a faithful doctor.






August 30, 2011 is a day that changed our lives forever...






We were headed to see Dr. Adcock for our 8 week pregnancy check-up (precisely 8 weeks 1 day). In the car, I begin telling Logan that I feel as though this appointment will not be a good one. He squeezed my hand & told me we were in this together. I am blessed to have such a compassionate husband. As I think back to last Tuesday, the thoughts flood my mind in slow motion. Our appointment was scheduled for 3pm. There was an emergency C-section that caused our doctor to run behind (understandable, by the way). We were finally escorted into a private room in preparation for an ultrasound via a portable machine. The technician came in but was unable to see clearly due to my full bladder (I guess that's what happens when you keep a pregnant lady waiting!). Dr. Adcock entered the room for an examination followed by instructions to go for the ultrasound with the good machine. On our walk to another room, I held Logan's hand tighter asking him if everything was going to be okay. He smiled with love & support. The minute I saw our little one on the monitor, my heart began to race. I couldn't see the flutter of his/her heart as before. Later, Logan informed me that he saw the monitor say 7 weeks when the technician measured our angel. We were seeing two different things but feeling the same worry. I will never forget the first sound of the technician saying, "I'm sorry Courtney but there's not a heartbeat." My world caved immediately. My heart felt as though it was ripped from my chest & an uncontrollable rush of emotions came over me. Logan fell over me, hugging me, as we both cried our hearts out. After a few moments, I ran into the bathroom. I tried to control my crying enough to open the door so we could get out of the office. I will say that everyone who knows me will relate to what I mean. Emotions are not something I show in public, especially crying. As I opened the door, the only person that I saw was Dr. Adcock. I felt breathless seeing him sitting there. It made me realize that it was not a nightmare, this was reality. I turned around without anywhere else to go. Logan grabbed me as I fell against his chest saying, "just take me home, I just want to go home." He held me & told me that we needed to talk to the doctor. As I tried composing myself (not doing a good job), I sat lifeless on the table hearing the death-sentence words of Dr. Adcock. I'm not sure how much I really heard but I remember him saying that he understands this situation all too well. Also, that we needed to process things & think about when the "D&C" could be done. I wept with my face in my hands telling him repeatedly to do the procedure immediately. He said we could schedule it for tomorrow. I also kept asking: why, what happened, what did I do, who was going to do this procedure. He placed his hands on my back with a compassionate answer: let's pray. Praying is powerful. Not only did he pray for my family & this baby that we will never be able to meet or hold, but also for him as a doctor to support & care for us. What an amazing doctor. He left us with confidence that he would take care of me & to call him with any questions during the night. I wasn't really sure how I could make it out of that office because I knew from that moment our baby was not with us anymore. He/She is in Heaven watching out for our family. Logan & I walked hand in hand trying to stand strong with each step knowing we were changed forever. I called Coco unleashing my emotions again as I informed her that we had lost the baby & there was no heartbeat. Logan drove me around for a little while since Coco was keeping Stryker at our house (we had asked her to pick him up from school due to our doctor's appointment running late).






We spent the car ride home crying, talking to each other, trying to understand what we had just experienced. Logan told me that Dr. Adcock looked just as confused & shocked when the technician told him the news. I knew that I was not alone in this grief journey when I looked into Logan's eyes & saw the same absence. We entered the house & ran upstairs to grab Stryker up for reassurance that we are truly blessed. I hugged Coco with tears in my eyes. She left shortly afterwards hearing some of our experience at the doctor's office.






The night was filled with us watching Stryker sleep (not much for us), holding each other, talking, & praying.






The next morning was procedure day. We took Stryker to school as if nothing was different. We received a call around 8:30am to head to Brookwood. We received instructions to follow when we arrived at the hospital. By 9:30am, I was escorted to a private room for pre-op. Around 10am, Logan & Coco were allowed into the room. It was comforting to see them. My support group. Dr. Adcock came in for some words of encouragement, telling us we did nothing wrong. Before he left the room, we joined hands in prayer. I said my good-byes with a hug from Coco & a hug/kiss from Logan. I remember tears rolling down my face as I was wheeled into the operating room. The medical staff was great & very compassionate throughout this whole process. The procedure didn't last long. Dr. Adcock was able to talk with Logan & Coco by 11:30am. He told them that everything looked good, no complications, & that I was a trooper. (I definitely don't feel like a trooper because this situation has made me see how weak I actually am) I remained in recovery for about an hour & then stayed in my room for another couple of hours due to the anesthesia not allowing me to remain awake long enough to eat or drink anything. We were finally discharged around 3:30pm. I am definitely a light-weight when it comes to medication! I told Logan this was hard leaving the hospital because it felt like I was stripped from being a mom again. He knew what I meant but said we were in this together & we'd survive together. I love him for that. I told him that I couldn't face seeing Stryker the minute I came home so Coco & grandmomma took him to Chick-fil-A to play in their play area. Logan got me situated on the couch before Stryker came running in the door. It was comforting to see his smiling face knowing God blessed us with one child & hopefully more in the future. I remained on the couch most of the night while Logan entertained Stryker in the living room so I could be a part of their fun while resting. That night was a repeat of Tuesday night...no sleep & lots of crying with Logan.






I decided to go to work Thursday afternoon for a couple of hours to keep my mind occupied on work, so I thought. Logan & I took Stryker to school late before riding to work together. I told Logan I wanted him to get off when I did because I couldn't be alone. He said okay without any hesistation. I dropped him off at work & then headed to my job. I had three outpatients scheduled for the afternoon. I arrived at work about 11am. I broke down in the car for a solid hour. I called Logan telling him that I didn't think I could do this & that it was a lot more difficult than I thought. He said that I didn't have to return to work this soon & to just let myself grieve some especially since it's only been less than 48 hours. I told him I needed to do this because I felt a loss of control over my emotions & life. I gained my composer as best I could walking into work. I knew that I could forget my problems when I treated patients because I could focus on their problems. My co-workers immediately showed compassion to me which brought on some more "hard to fight back" tears. I sat in my manager's office for a few minutes trying to stay focused on writing some notes. I was able to make it that afternoon with three good patients. Before leaving, I was given a cross painted on a square board with the words "Live each day in faith" along with a card with the rehab department's employees caring thoughts. I picked Logan up from work before heading to get Stryker. Since that Tuesday, it has been a lot of sleepless nights, crying, praying, talking, frustration, confusion, etc.






To be continued...

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