Devotion #9

God rid of all bitterness, rage and anger. - Ephesians 4:31

This verse speaks to me, especially since Friday at work. Over the past couple of days, I felt as though I may be getting a little better with my bottled-up emotions. But I was wrong on Friday. I began my early day seeing patients in the ICU. One of the nurses who I have become good acquaintances with told me that she was about 9 wks pregnant. She was shocked because they were not even trying. She also was saying how she had to stop drinking & eating better. The nurse said she found out by gaining 5 pounds while drinking Slim Fast to lose weight. What?! I can't believe God would allow someone who drinks, eats horrible, & wasn't even trying to get pregnant. My body was raging inside while the outside was politely telling her congratulations. I quickly knew that my true feelings about God's intentions were wrong. But how do I tame this thoughts. I was angry even though I knew it wasn't anybody's fault. As I treated the patient, I kept blaming myself for losing our baby. A couple hours later, a friend texted me just to ask how I was doing. I laughed because she's a friend who always knows the truth. I told her that I was okay which made her respond with a "how are you really doing." I told her what had happened that morning. She encouraged me to talk with a counselor like Logan & Dr. Adcock had suggested. My friend also informed me that this blaming game that I'm doing with myself & trying to handle it all by myself was a sign of weakness. She knows me all too well. I knew then that having the people I trust so much (Logan, my mom, Dr. Adcock, & this friend) tell me to see a counselor was what I needed to do. God puts people in your path sometimes to keep you accountable & these people are mine.

I think back to this in the book:
Maybe you've shouted at your body, "Why did you let me down?" You may find yourself getting angry at little things that never use to bother you. And if you are honest with yourself, you might even be angry at God. Have you ever wanted to scream, "God, You have the power of life & death. You could have performed a miracle & protected my baby, yet You didn't! Why?"

I definitely feel this way. I cry out to God in anger, but also turn around crying out to Him in desperation & hope. Remember: when restoration & peace occur in our walk with God, it is often after a floodgate release of anger.