Devotion #5

I am at war with myself. Rest & sleep are my worst enemy. Convincing myself that staying busy is better for me right now is not true. Like last night, I pushed myself to the point of exhaustion before laying down in bed. Unfortunately, my eyes were wide open when my head hit the pillow. Logan asked me before he headed to bed if I was coming. I answered with an excuse of needing to do things around the house & on the computer before I could go to sleep. He looked into my eyes asking if I was really not tired or if I was scared of going to sleep. "Not tired" was the response he received quickly. I felt bad because deep down I knew the truth...fear of having the dreams of previous nights (empty cribs, baby blankets laying on the ground, etc). My ability of lying is non-existant; therefore, I knew Logan realized that my answer was a lie. This technique actually worked (or at least contribute it to me being exhausted). But cannot be the way I approach every night.

The book states, "Then, I'm hit with a missile of reality. It slows me down. I cringe in pain from the flashbacks of my losses." I can relate to this passage now, because it reminds me of the dreams.

The wounds of miscarriage are not visible wounds so they can be ignored easier. But reality does hit us, such as fear & control. "Will I lose another child? I couldn't control my body or the circumstances that led to the loss of my child but I can control my schedule & how I grieve." I know I need to heal but I'm not really sure how. Logan is suggesting I talk with someone. I look at him & wonder how he's not as broken as I am (he is but he's going through the grief process easier than I am). His past experience of the passing away of his father when Logan was only 15 caused him to learn how to grieve. Logan has told me that I'm handling our loss like he did his dad. Fighting the truth, hiding from reality. He said he fought talking to someone until several months later but he wished, after going, that he would have gone sooner. Writing this blog is a huge step for me. I'm not the type of person to show my weakness. I just know that this blog might minister to other women in the future. So, talking with someone would be a stretch for me.

Be still and know that I am God. - Psalm 46: 10

Cast all your cares on Me, because I care for you. - 1 Peter 5:7