Devotion #8 & Follow-up D&C doctor's appointment

At first, I wasn't really sure that I wanted to include my follow-up D&C doctor's appointment. It's difficult for me to let everyone into my personal world (true emotions), but I prayed about it. When I started this blog, I had also prayed about it. I felt as though God was calling me to minister to women & I left it up to Him. I knew if this was His plan then I would follow it truthfully, especially when I've had several people comment to me that this blog is an inspiration to them & appreciate my willingness to share my experience.

This afternoon was our follow-up doctor's appointment. It has been exactly 2 wks since our D&C. I woke this morning with a sickness in my stomach & knew it was due to the upcoming appointment. Logan was unable to ride to Brookwood with me, but met me as I sat in the waiting room. Walking into the hospital felt like a dream. I was filled with the same type of emotions that overwhelmed me 2 wks prior. It was one of the longest, hardest walks of my life. I kept asking God for strength to fight back my fears & tears. I knew that I needed to be strong. The numerous pregnant women & women holding babies did not help. It made me jealous & angry all over again. When we were called back, the nurse took my vital signs. Of course, my blood pressure was high (high for me). I felt as though my heart was going to beat out of my chest. We were quickly escorted into Dr. Adcock's office. I questioned Logan if we really needed to see him today. Logan reassured me that we were going to be strong together. The golf pictures, family pictures, & Christian music were a distraction for me. Well, until I looked out the door to see the ultrasound tech (the one who told us that our baby did not have a heartbeat) walk by. I felt a rush of tears build up behind my eyes. "Come on Courtney, stay tough. This is ridiculous." - kept repeating to myself. "It has been 2 wks. Time to heal." Then, I saw Dr. Adcock walking into the office. It was hard to stay focused on his words because I kept having flashbacks of seeing him talking with us prior to the D&C. He informed us that I was healthy (physically) & could resume all previous activities as well as asking us what we thought about getting pregnant again. Logan & I have been discussing this a lot. We want to try again as soon as we can even though our fears are present. Dr. Adcock advised us to wait until the end of October. I'm guessing that the next month will go by slowly. Afterwards, he asked if we had anymore questions. I shook my head no, but Logan quickly said that he had one concern. He thought we needed some counseling regarding our loss. Dr. Adcock suggested a couple of Christian counselors for us to try. At first, I was aggravated that Logan would request that kind of information because I don't need to talk with anyone. I'm fine, or so I thought...as I cried all the way home. Logan told me that he thought we both needed it & that it would help as we get pregnant again. I gave in & we prayed for us to listen as we go through our counseling that we hope to begin in the next week. Thank you, Dr. Adcock for all that you do & continue to do for my family.

God, even though I still do not understand why this has happened & maybe never will, I know that You are unchanging, trustworthy, in control, & good. I believe You have a purpose in what has taken place. Forgive me for asking the same questions. Buoy me up once again with Your hope & truth. As I continue to journey through questioning, rescue me from drowning in despair. Help me trust You with all my heart & lean not on my own understanding. Give me divine vision & enable me to see beyond the questions. Amen