My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. - Psalm 38:4
Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. - Matthew 11:28
This can't be happening! There must be some mistake! I'll do anything you ask to save my baby! I should have tried harder to save my baby (taken different prenatal vitamins, exercised differently, etc)! There must have been something I could have done? - These are all questions/statements that fill my mind on a daily basis. Self-blame is something that I'm struggling with.
The book states that it's common to wonder if there was something that you did to cause this or if you could have prevented your baby's death. But it doesn't seem to help. It also says that you may spend many hours going over your actions during your pregnancy: Did you do everything the doctor said; did you eat right; was your stress level too high (thinking about the future of this pregnancy compared to with Stryker); were meds or tests responsible for the loss; would more bed rest have helped (especially since I was on bed rest with Stryker).
No suffering can touch you without having first received the permission of God. God is sovereign. No one can fully explain God's actions or plans but God. Guilt is not intended to drive you from God, but toward Him.
There have been 2 songs that really spoke to my heart. They have been played repeatedly on the radio over the past couple of days. I will put a few lyrics that stand out in each song.
Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace. Comfort for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering. All the while, You hear each spoken need. Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. 'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops. What if Your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near. What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise.
Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now God, You would have reached down and wiped our tears away. Stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls, I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "I'm with you". And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who give and takes away. And I'll praise You in this storm. And I will lift my hands for You are who You are. No matter where I am and every tear I've cried. You hold in Your hand. You never left my side. And through my heart is torn. I will praise You in this storm. I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth
God, I feel as if there was something I could have done to save my baby. It's hard for me to accept that it's not my fault. I keep replaying the tape of my pregnancy in my mind. Please help me to hit "stop" & look to You. You are the answer. You are sovereign. Nothing can touch my life without Your permission. Free me from my blame. When I feel guilty, remind me to run to You. Help me press "play" today with a new tape & move forward. Amen
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