Devotion #1

Thanks to a friend, I was able to find this amazingly helpful book. Grieving the Child I Never Knew is definitely a book that I would recommend to anyone who has been through a miscarriage or any other loss of child. As I read & begin my journey through the grief process, I will be posting from the chapters of this Christian devotional book. Again, I am doing this in hopes to help myself with our loss but also for other women as they begin their grief journey. So here we go...

Hiding:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. - Psalm 139:13-16

Sometimes the pain is so intense that I want to disconnect from others as well as God. I am looking for ways to hide my true feelings. In my last post, I briefly discussed how emotions are not something that you show in public (at least not in my world). Weakness like heartache & crying is dealt with alone. Logan has taught me that bottling emotions inside can ruin you physically, mentally, & spiritually. I never understood what he meant until now. A vast amount of emotions have overwhelmed me in just a short week: confusion, anger, sadness, devastation, absence, silence, helpless, hopeless, etc. I try to camouflage my hurt, questions, fears, & disappointment until I am alone or with Logan. It's hard to allow people to see my vulnerable. In the past, I have always been able to successfully hide weakness. After Tuesday, it seems as though my emotions & tears come as they please without my ability to fight them back. Logan, family, & friends have reminded me countless times that we lost a child no matter how far along we were. I am here to tell you that grief is a difficult process for me.

God, the loss of my child is agonizing. I feel as though I'm playing hide-and-seek with my pain. I've camouflaged my feelings, questions, and fears so that others do not notice. I don't know how long I can hide my pain. Please reveal all the areas of my life that need healing. Show me how to move along in my grief process. Amen