Nothing will be completely fair & perfect until we get to Heaven. That is a statement we hear often but may not ponder too much on it. Since our miscarriage, I have thought about this a lot. Especially when I constantly ask "why?"
I need to remember that our miscarriage was not a sign of sin in my life (even though I've questioned if there was something I did wrong to deserve this) or a message from God to clean up my act. Our loss was simply a form of suffering common to the human experience of living in this world. Sometimes, I feel angry at God but I know it's not His fault. He is holding our little baby in Heaven until we can hold our own baby. He allowed this to take place for a reason - molding me, drawing me closer to Him, ministering to other women in the future, or any other reason. I have to learn to trust in His plan for He knows what my life needs. I feel as though I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I've caught myself apologizing to Logan numerous times for the miscarriage. When you don't understand, it's easier to just blame someone. Maybe that's why I wasn't eating after we found out we had lost our baby, or exercising to the point of exhaustion, or not sleeping. All of these things that I'm doing to my body may be me unconsciously punishing myself because we lost our baby.
God, my arms are empty & have nothing to show for my loss which seems so unfair. I didn't expect things to turn out this way when we found out that we were pregnant again. You could have saved my child, but You didn't. You are the One who understands even when I don't. Please take my suffering & walk with me through this pain. Give me peace even though I don't understand. Fill me with Your hope & salvation. Amen
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