Devotion #14 - Is it my fault?

"My child is dead & it's my fault! My body failed me & didn't fulfill its purpose. I was too active & stressed." This is a common feeling for me & possibly many other women.

When life knocks you to your knees, remember you're in the perfect position to pray.

Is a still, small voice within calling your name. Listen. Can you hear Him saying, "It's time to free yourself from your guilt & forgive yourself." The grief journey may lead you to a place where you need to forgive yourself. If I take a step back & look at my feelings, I can realize that this applies to me as well. The concept of letting go of anger, guilt, & condemnation toward yourself may be something you have never considered as sin, which keeps you separated from God. God will forgive me & will enable me to forgive myself. Perhaps I even need to forgive myself for placing blame needlessly on myself. This is a difficult thing to do because I want to find something or someone to blame. My self-critical personality leads me to blame only myself which is not the way it should be. Having faith in God requires me to trust in Him & His plan. For whatever reason, this miscarriage was in His plan, so I need to forgive myself & draw closer to Him in order to move forward.

When we forgive God for our miscarriage, we release our expectations of what we think God should have done to prevent hurt, failure, or loss of any kind. God has big shoulders & allows us to vent. He wants us to tell Him how we feel so we can trust Him wholeheartedly. Satan is defeated when we stop pointing our finger at God (or ourselves) & admit our false expectations. God understands fully. He suffered the loss of a child too. These statements hit me hard. I never thought about it that way. So cry out to God if you need to, I did. He is the only person that can truly understand & at the same time, heal you.

Lord, I feel so guilty & often blame myself for losing my child. Although others try to comfort & console me, deep down inside I'm haunted by the thought that I could have done more. I feel snowed in from my grief. My mound of self-condemnation is so high outside the door of my heart that I feel as if I'll never be able to dig out. Help me, God. Enable me to forgive myself. Dig through the snowdrift of my guilt & melt away my blame. You are my redeemer, the One who has the power to set me free. Restore me today. Amen